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A Patreon for a No-Name Blogger with Very Little to Offer in Return

Hello loyal readers/Aunts Kathy & Diana. Thank you for your continued support of my blog! I really appreciate you slogging through almost three years of stories about/reminiscent of turd to drive those traffic numbers up into the dozens. (There was that one dazzling epoch where my blog was the target of a bot-farm in Oregon, but they eventually abandoned me because my “relentless” thank you emails demonstrated I “didn’t understand the intended purpose of a bot-farm” and I was apparently not supposed to take their hits against my page as “a sign of encouragement”. Or something to that effect.)

In order to keep this blog a-rollin’ and give a little something back to my fans, I’ve started this Patreon. Any donation or sponsorship is deeply appreciated. I would be honored to receive your support.

What You’ll Get:

$1: I will visibly smile whenever I meet someone who has your name.

$1/month: I will tell people you volunteer with children or animals, your choice.

$5/month: I will carry your groceries to your front door in one trip.

$10/month: I will stand in your parking spot for up to an hour while you run out real quick.

$20/month: I will tell your landlord your shitty neighbor is on the lam from “you know” (wink).

$50/month: I will anonymously text your ex middle fingers of your choice.

$100/month: I will change the name of my blog to the grossest thing you can think of (Upchunk Lugubrious, etc.)

If you are interested in one of these fine prizes, please write your name, email and routing number on an unmarked Speedway coupon and leave it in the rusty toolbox behind the Taco Bell on Irving Park. If a guy named Sal tries to stop you while brandishing anything other than a pocket knife, please tell him he said he’d be cool and he’ll get his cut, the weaselly sneak. Thank you for your interest in my little stories and thank you more for your money. With enough support, I can finally get ownership of my domain back from the blog-shark that I currently pay at 42% interest whose name is definitely not Sal. And please hurry, if I don’t pay up by Friday, he’s going to cut out my vowels. Then I would be illetterate.

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CALL TO ACTION: Read Below to Make Me Famous Because My Mom Talking About My Blog to Her High School Friends Isn't Cutting It Right Now

I get it. We're all busy. There are so many things to read and so many memes to keep up with, it can be overwhelming to stay informed. After an evening of lying prostrate on the couch buried under a pile of crumbs and dirty t-shirts of yore while scrolling idly through Facebook, Twitter, and GhostSingles.com (you've been warned), sometimes you just don't have the energy to read a blog on top of that, despite how funny and witty and charming it is and how desperate the author is for attention. Because, let's be real here, everyone has a blog. There are ferrets that have blogs. I once had a blog about quitting smoking, but I deleted it because the relentless irritation of cravings transformed me into wet socks personified. So you don't have to read it, per se. Just follow it and throw me the occasional sympathetic nod like you would for your dumbass niece who can't be bothered to acknowledge that the ABC's have a melody. And send me a link to her blog. I'll follow the shit out of it. If she promises to reciprocate, of course. I mean, I'm busy, too.

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