Jokes I Would Include in My Stand-Up Act if the Thought of Doing That Didn’t Make My Butt Sweaty

  • My upstairs neighbor’s boyfriend needs to work on his stamina.

  • Jezebel is the bible’s first recorded prostitute. She is literally the oldest trick in the book.

  • Haters gonna give you anxiety.

  • Emails that start “Who’s in charge of…” seldom end in “because I want to pay them a compliment!”

  • My teeth are tanner than my face.

  • A Z is just a 7 with skis.

  • Carry on my wayward pun, for there’ll be grief when you are done.

  • My body type is Roman Gentry.

  • My fashion aesthetic is “should have lint rolled.”

  • True love is workshopping each other’s tweets.

  • High importance emails are the professional equivalent of your mom sending you a text at 5am saying "Call me asap" and then when you wake up in a panic and call her back, she says, "Do you remember my gmail password?"

  • Auto von Skidmark (I need to flesh this one out.)

Related Posts:

Things I Wanted to Say to My Boyfriend While He Was Sleeping Last Night

Notes From My Phone, Or The Things I Think About When I’m Supposed to be Listening to Other People

Follow