Things I Have Seen on Actual Resumes

For a period of about two years, I was responsible for reviewing resumes for security consultants and project managers for the tech company for which I work. The majority of the resumes that came through my desk were lackluster, misguided or downright delusional, but there was the occasional CV that caught my eye. Granted, this was typically not in a “Hire this guy immediately!” way, but more like, “Jesus Christ, how has this person managed to live this long without strangling themselves on their shirtsleeves or choking to death on toothpaste?” Here are some of my favorite quotes from some candidates who are likely still looking for jobs, if you need someone to fill a role supervising paint drying or repeatedly punching themselves in the face.

  • “I have a great passion to lean.” (I’m imagining this less as a typo and more like the candidate is the Fonz chillin’ at a jukebox.)

  • A glamour shot of the applicant and his smokin’ hot wife (“I think Outlook is part of a pirate ship, but at least my wife’s a babe.”)

  • “Name: SKILLS, COMPUTER” (I’ll leave this one here without comment.)

  • “I am adept at overlooking project details.” (You don’t say!)

  • In a cover letter: “Greetings, Mr. Smith,” (The attachment to this resume was a portal to 1952.)

  • “Professional Experience: CEO of My Household, 2006-Present” (Not to denigrate SAHM’s, but somehow I think the skillset for running a household may vary slightly from running a Fortune 500 company. Slightly.)

  • In a cover letter: “I am a firm believer in throwing brains at a problem first, but not in a zombie way, but, like [sic] instead of money.” (Sentiment: “Dawn of the Dead.” Execution: “Redneck Zombies.”)

  • “Proficient at Adobe Oracle.” (Just like how I drive a Kia Tesla.)