Notes From My Phone, or The Things I Think About When I'm Supposed to be Listening to Other People

  • Rejecting a guy because he smells like bug spray

  • The sidewalk makes a good nail file in a pinch.

  • Having radiators in your apartment must be what menopause is like.

  • Learning to be single is like remembering how to ride a bike. You know you used to be able to do this, but then you’re flying out of control into somebody’s pants.

  • Haters gonna give you anxiety.

  • Edgar Allen Poo (Halloween Costume)

  • Spider veins are scarier than actual spiders.

  • We live in a society where it’s taboo to talk about sex but you can be at a bar with your friends and announce that you are going to excrete waste from your genitals in a germy poop closet and everyone’s like, cool, I’ll save your seat.

  • Living above a crossfit studio is like The Tell-Tale Heart, except the murder is still being planned.

  • “The Mummy” is so stressful.

  • Is there an effective workout for jowls?

  • The porn awards should be called The Grabbies.

  • I have more opinions on comma splices than I do on the presidential election.

  • At to polyiyly quarrel with some unsuspecting family if (Best guess: drunk or sleeping.)

  • Why are my eyebrows so angry when I smile?

  • The difference between green banana and brown banana is like fifteen minutes.

  • Cat litter, hammer, Christmas stocking, wine

  • My teeth are tanner than my face.

  • Like that time I thought I had ringworm, but it turned out to be eczema

  • [Redacted] looks like a Polish Teddy Graham.

  • Mr. Peanut

Follow