An Honest Job Résumé

Summary: A requisitely enthusiastic worker who excels at following directions to managerial satisfaction and strives to live my life with as much excitement as someone who just saw themselves on the Jumbotron. A real go-getter if the thing I am going to get is nachos and I am getting them by ordering them on my phone and then consoling myself through the wait time with a brick of cheddar.

Objective: To find a job that is marginally better than my current one, because I just bought a record player despite owning no actual records and am seriously considering adopting a hedgehog, so, clearly, I am in need of a change.

Skills: Taking an excessive number of pictures of my cat and then getting bored one day and changing the contact photo for every person in my phone to pictures of her cute widdle face. Drinking half a gallon of milk a day and then complaining about my pants being too tight. Buying classic novels I already have and had no intention of reading anyway because I thrive on people remarking on my book collection. Vanity. Bringing all the groceries inside in one trip because I’m too lazy to go back to the car again and then being slightly sore the next day. Proficient in Microsoft Office Suite but not entirely clear on how to create pivot tables in Excel.

Innovations: Inventor of Clothes Purgatory, which is when your clothes are clean enough to wear again in front of a different group of friends but dirty enough that you can’t put them away so you stack them on the desk chair you bought to increase productivity.

Current Role Responsibilities: Being confused about when we started calling presentations “presos.” Acting like I know what that acronym means and then looking it up later. Accidentally using corporate jargon at parties. Synergy.

Previous Roles: Having bowling balls thrown at me by people with special needs and not getting paid enough for this shit. Being sad that teaching them how to swim doesn’t cover rent and leaving this role to make copies for executives and answer phone calls from angry college students. And cleaning up vomit. So much vomit.

Community Service: Giving homeless people cigarettes because I never have cash. Changing toilet paper rolls in public bathrooms. Complimenting random women when I’m drunk.

Willing to relocate anywhere near a walkable Taco Bell. References available upon request.