Comedy

A Bitter Shrew's Guide to Online Dating Profiles

Author’s Note: Dust off your time machines and turn the dial back to the distant era of 2016, which is when I wrote this piece. Things may be different in the online dating world nowadays. Maybe middle finger pictures are cool now and all you Neato Reados will scoff at how sad and out of touch I am. (Testing out this nickname for my audience, please provide feedback by writing your disapproval on a bar napkin and throwing it into the ocean.) Although I’m pretty sure public opinion hasn’t changed about dick pics. If you send an unsolicited dick pic to a woman who is just trying to find someone she can pick her nose in front of with wanton abandon, you are a toilet. The end.

“My grandparents met on Tinder”: “I saw this on Buzzfeed. I still quote Borat a lot.”

Shirtless selfies: “I can crush a walnut with my butt cheeks but I’m still not clear on who Paul Ryan is.”

Fishing pictures: “My dad dragged me to Wisconsin for a ‘guy’s weekend’ and I had to miss Lollapalooza, but I made the best of it and murdered this fish.”

“I’m laid-back/easygoing”: “I have the personality of a packing peanut.”

Reviews (e.g. “The best guy I know!” -My Mom. “His breath always smells like chamomile and unicorns!” -New York Times): “The only original thought I ever had was for a sitcom called ‘Carol of the Balls.’ I was six Jack and Diets deep when I thought of it, so I don’t remember the premise. Except Carol’s a skank. And something about the Yankees. I was hungover until midnight the next day.”

Picture at Machu Picchu: “I, too, studied abroad in college.”

Middle finger picture: “I have a Limp Bizkit tattoo.”

Career listed as “Entrepreneur”: “I am unemployed but I’ve got a lot of big ideas. Like an app that tells you when there are dogs nearby. Or an ejector seat on a subway train for when a fight breaks out. Or dessert tacos with icing instead of cheese. Do you know anyone who’s hiring?”

“I love craft beer”: “I just learned about IPA’s. I wear unique pants.”

“I love whiskey/pizza/tacos”: “Get this! I also like having fun. And being happy. And not asphyxiating under a flaming mountain of moldy gym socks. It’s crazy, I know.”

2+ pictures in funny hats: “My exes would say I’m ‘a bit much.’”

“I’m very sarcastic”: “I’m the kind of person who rips into someone in front of a group and then says, ‘It was just a joke, dude. Don’t be so sensitive.’”

“No hookups”: “I copy-paste messages like ‘Hey beautiful! Why r u not my girlfriend?’ to every woman I match with. I am wearing a backwards hat in all of my pictures and my job title is listed as ‘Sales Dynamo.’”

Bald with a beard, no tattoos: “I do improv and own a lot of dope hats. I have a whimsical necktie for every occasion.”

Bald with a beard, tattoos: “I play bass.”

Sunglasses in every picture: “My eyes are two buttholes I must hide from the light of day lest the demons find me and return me to the fiery throes of the underworld whence I escaped so many centuries ago.”

“No drama”: “I get into a lot of Facebook fights with my elderly relatives.”

“Please respect yourself”: “I will try to dazzle the pants off of you with a dick pic, and when you decline, I will call you a nasty bitch hoe. Also, you’re fat and ugly. I only messaged you as a joke.”

“I’m spontaneous”: “One time a barista gave me the wrong scone and I ate it anyway.”

Related Posts:

An Introduction to Online Dating

Reasons My Boyfriend Finds Me Annoying

Things I Would Love to Say to a Band of Loyal Followers

  • Let’s ride!

  • *Snaps fingers and a lackey appears*

  • You’re dismissed.

  • Bring me the man responsible for this.

  • Move out!

  • You call this coffee?! *spits*

  • Fly, my pretties!

  • Anybody else have somethin’ to say?

  • Heads will roll!

  • You’re on thin ice, pal.

  • Henchmen, attack!

  • Say it again. Say. It. Again.

  • Let that be a lesson to you.

  • You will not rest until you bring me his head on a platter.

  • Tell my husband I’m gonna be late.

  • We move at dawn.

  • You think it’s MY job to make sure you get to your son’s christening on time??

  • In due time, gents. In due time.

Related Posts:

Jokes I Would Include in My Stand-Up Act if the Thought of Doing That Didn’t Make My Butt Sweaty

Inevitable Facts About Aging That Are in No Way Specific to Me

 

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Things I Have Overheard My Boyfriend Say Out Loud to Himself While Playing Video Games, Part II

While playing Euro Truck Simulator 2, in which he is a truck driver making deliveries:

  • I’m delivering cheese safe and sound according to the law.

  • Why would I not want my side view mirrors on, am I a monster??

  • (Sips beer) I’m drinking on the job.

  • He cut me off! I’m bigger than him! I could have hurt somebody!

  • I got a speeding ticket again! For $200… this job’s costing me more than it’s worth!

  • (Asks Siri): How do I know the speed limit in Euro Truck Simulator 2?

  • I’m making great time!

  • Let’s play it safe, let’s just back that ass straight up.

  • Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, shut the fuck up.

While playing Fortnite:

  • I hit him twice, three times a lady!

  • Oh, I am getting exponentially better at this game! Don’t play like a dingus is the number one rule.

  • Don’t fuck with me, I’m an astronaut for now, boys… oh this is gonna be bad news.

  • Kate, these guys are jerks!

  • I’ll take that! Or you will, go ahead!

  • So I can kick the soccer ball but I can’t shoot the soccer ball. Are they trying to tell me something?

  • Oh thank you for being so generous, fuckface.

  • I have no ammo, nothin, just jumpin in a dream!

  • I’m ready to fuck shit up space style!

  • Did I just get one shot?! I’m not down with that.

Related Posts:

Things I Have Overhead My Boyfriend Saying Out Loud to Himself While Playing Video Games

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